Health for the Soul

But to as many as received Him, to them he gave power to become John 1:12

In July of 2001 I flew to Des Moines, Iowa and rented a car to drive to Anamosa State prison, part of the Iowa Department of Corrections. I was going there to see my 21 year old son whom I had been estranged from since 1998. Our relationship was strained, painful, and filled with strife. Today my son is a great source of joy and pride in my life and I believe I am that to him also. This was not always the case, and here is our story.

Jason Ryan Van Wyk was born September 13, 1979 in Grinnell, Iowa. He was born to a teenage mother, a most unfortunate situation for him. I was that mother, lost, broken, and unsure of whom I was, what to think, and unknowing of what I should do next. Jason and I moved frequently as I had only a high school education which I finished while Jason was an infant, no car which afforded me only jobs I could walk to and this after securing child care from my nearest neighbor, and little to no money. Maybe no one knows what to say to you or does not want to be involved. Possibly they do not know how to help, or maybe they just did not care. Regardless, we wondered and wandered for years from one place to another and this is what a life without a purpose is like. This is what a life without a plan and fueled by desires will get you, nothing. I was nothing, and I produced nothing except trouble and failure.

My wandering in all the wrong places left me open to being preyed upon by men. I was full of sin, and became a target because of the dangerous places I frequented, like bars and clubs. I was uncovered and unprotected and so was my son. We had no one who cared enough for us to protect us, or provide support or advice for our future. As far as I knew, no one had an idea for me or knew of what I could do, I existed.

I had never heard of an Apostle until I came to the Rock. My natural understanding of what a father was that they love you no matter what you do and they hope for the best, but that was about it. I quickly observed the father in this house called The Rock, Apostle Ball, was much more than that and his expectations and his provision far surpassed what I had known before. It was not enough that he loved us. He had high standards and falling below would cause him to react, to rebuke, and to correct either in private or in our corporate meeting. I had a new vision. I was so thankful that someone expected something of me and told me that. No one had expected much from me, obviously, to the point when I met with Apostle one day he said, “Who are you? How do you see yourself? The problem with your life is not what someone else thinks of you, what I think of you, even what God thinks of you. The problem in your life is what you think about you.”

What did I think? No one had asked me that before, and I had no words, only a vision. I saw a number zero. Don’t get me wrong, it was not that I felt like I was a nobody or a nothing. It was that I knew nothing about who I was, or of what I did or didn’t want. I had been in my life whatever I had to be to get along. I never evaluated things from the perspective of what I wanted only what I felt I had to do or needed to do. Whatever the person or job wanted I was with, that is what I would be; the way I looked, the way I dressed, even how I was living were all products of my surroundings. I was a product of my environment exerting no pressure on it, however, it exerted great pressure on me. What was worse, I had no answers for my son either. When Jason was 15, he said, “My whole life, I’ve just wanted to be someone else.” I was both shocked and saddened that he felt this way, but I had no answer for him and the guilt of that weighed on my soul. I never wanted to be someone else I just did not know who I was supposed to be.

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become .

I did not leave the Apostle’s office that day with profound awe. In fact, I was not sure if my meeting with him did any good or not. However, I received him and I received his words and I began to hear and obey the voice I heard in my spirit as well as listened to the beating of my own heart. I began to be strengthened immediately by accepting I had both the right and the responsibility to become. I enrolled in several college classes in 1993 because my employer saw in me ability, but promotions required college education and I had none. I did not know how to go to college. When I graduated from high school, I felt that was the highest goal a girl like me could achieve. I did not know who college was for I only knew it must not be for me as no one ever told me about it or encouraged me to go until now.

I went to the local community college, Gulf Coast Community College, and walked in off the street asking what I needed to do to take a class there. After receiving instruction and taking their placement test they said I needed to decide what class to take, pay, then get the books and start attending classes. I did as they said then walked out to my car, got in and cried. I cried silently and held back emotion that came from deep places within me. One of the ways I coped in life was to always appear to be sure of myself and of what I was doing. It was one of the ways I attempted to keep from being taken advantage of, and I knew if I didn’t keep my wits about me, we were doomed. Nevertheless, who was I to be doing something like this? I felt like a very small person in a very big situation and I was humbled and scared.

As I continued on my journey of discovery and of personal responsibility I found out I lacked skills necessary in meeting the demands of life. Specifically, I lacked the ability to persevere, I lacked character, and I lacked hope. The first part of a scripture that talks about these skills or virtues says it is suffering or tribulations that produce perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. I had experienced plenty of suffering and tribulations, a lifetime of them. However, I had NEVER EVER responded right so suffering never produced the results it needed to. All I did was survive. I never overcame. I came face to face with these facts following some extremely difficult times when the overwhelming thought in my mind was of ending my life. Had it not been for my son’s face and the sorrow I saw as I considered having to tell him of troubles resulting because of my failings, again, I do not know what would have happened. Jason had always been a lifesaver for me. At the most perilous times, in the most tragic of circumstances, I would see his face and I would hear his voice say the simple word “Mom” and I would be not give up because I did not want him to be lost and as bad as I was, I was all he had.

I would like to say turning things around caused Jason and me to be saved together. This would be inaccurate. As I began to take a different course, choose another road, Jason got lost. He became angry with me, and he increasingly became hostile toward me and to what he perceived to be abandonment of him. I no longer encouraged his anger toward his apathetic father or other men who had been abusive, nor did I support his grievances as justification for his own bad behavior. The wrong relationship we had which was one with a common enemy was over and he felt betrayed. He dropped out of high school and ran away from home in a downward spiral that came to a screeching halt in a hurry.

This led me to Interstate 80 in Iowa and a meeting that is just as real in my mind and heart today as it was when it happened. In fact, possibly more so today as when it happened my senses were so overwhelmed I did not process everything until hours, days, and weeks later. I arrived at Anamosa State Prison after making arrangements a long time earlier as time was needed for security background checks. I walked up to the mammoth concrete building again feeling so small in a situation that seemed so big. I waited until they called me then proceeded from one locked section to another with the sound of heavy steel bar doors shutting with each new section I entered. I was led to a large open room with chairs placed sporadically around with what seemed to be a measured space between each one. There was a guard overlooking the area from a desk who called each prisoner by number, not by name, and as number 1148106 was called, I saw my son for the first time in a very long time. As he approached me and sat in the chair across from me I saw my son, my Jason, my boy, and my confidante. Here before me was my lost son, found or at least stopped from his self destructive and self-defeating behavior. What now?

Jason and I talked for some time until they said it was over. We were not allowed to touch each other and as I turned to walk away I could not help but for the first time cry, only now that he could not see me. I proceeded back the same way I had come through the prison as when I entered and I signed out, got my purse out of a holding place, and walked out. I was leaving, and for the first time in our lives he could not go with me. As I looked at the hard cold building that now housed and held my son I grieved as I considered the path that had led him here. My son was not in prison because he was born to a teenage mother, although that was a fact. My son was not in prison because his life was unstable and filled with strife, although that was a fact. My son was in prison because of the decisions he had made and the content of his character. My son’s imprisonment was a result of his life decisions. My son was in prison because I began to take a stand against him and one day I said to Yahweh after hearing of the things my son was doing to innocent people, the abused had become the abuser, and I said, “Yahweh, if it comes between an innocent person and my son’s life, take my son’s.” Within five hours, my son was arrested and now was incarcerated.

I had come to understand we are not what we are or where we are today because of what has happened to us. God in heaven has a plan for us. He has a way for us to be saved and a way to be healed. Had I not come to a place of understanding this, I would not myself have been able to forgive and forget all the things that happened to me in my life and get it together by taking responsibility and being accountable. God had made a way for me and my son. He had made a way for us to win and it was up to us to find it. Christopher Woods from the Rock of Panama City wrote this song years after I walked through this time in my life and his words echo the spirit of God that taught me and showed me His ways.

I am happy today to tell you my son was part of a pilot program and never became part of the general population of the prison. He was released shortly after we saw each other and now lives here in Panama City, Florida. He works with me and we race together, go to church together, and are walking out the purpose of Yahweh for our lives. He is and has always been a source of great joy in my life. Apostle Ball says sometimes it just takes a country song to say things right. Kenny Chesney has a song called, “There Goes My Life.” It is the story of a young man who finds out he is going to be a father unexpectedly at a young age. The man thinks about what his plans and dreams for his life had been and believes opportunities and possibilities have passed him by. The song goes on to use the same phrase that at the beginning looked like an ending to his future, now, however, he looks at his young child and says of the child, “there goes my life.” The situation was the same, the perspective had changed. I completed my college degree from Florida State University and as I compete alongside my son today in races or as I watch him attend his own college classes I say of him, there goes my life.

Thank You Yahweh, that you have made a way for me and my son. Bless my Apostle as he is always ready and willing to tell me the truth, and he continues to hold me accountable for it. Believe me, I know that I am not where I am nor have what I have today because of who I am or what I have done. I am where I am because of the grace of Yahweh, therefore, my joy is complete.